Blog
Welcome to my blog! I use this to write about things that interest me and give you useful advice!
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11th December 2020
Your thoughts are not your reality.
Now I am not going to go all mystical on you. I’m not going to talk about planes of existence and existentialism or how to access your “inner abundance” (yes that is a thing, apparently).
But I do want you to think about the way you talk to yourself. The way you treat yourself.
So say it out loud to yourself - and forget anyone around you - “my thoughts are not my reality”. That might feel a little strange. It could also feel great.
Thoughts are strange things. They have a habit of coming to you when you don’t want them, and to not come when you do want them. Ever had a great idea just pop into your head unbidden? Fantastic! Ever needed an amazing idea for the presentation at work to impress the boss - uh oh. “Thoughts, are you there?” Need inspiration for a birthday present? - ”Oi, thoughts, come here and help out. No?” Need a great excuse to get out of the shopping/cleaning/homework? “Come on, come on, I can feel your presence…...oh.” Do or do not, there is no try might have been good enough for Yoda but try telling that to me when I have an imminent deadline and 2 kids and a cat demanding my attention!
Yet when it comes to recognising our good points, to push ourselves higher or to do something a little out of our comfort zone…. - oh, here they are. “You’re not good enough.” “ No one will listen to that rubbish.” “That person is better/more experienced/funnier/better looking/more interesting than you (ad in finitum).” “Everyone else has more friends than you.” Oh, so now they arrive - all at once.
Often they won’t go away. At times you seemingly cannot get rid of them. Negative thoughts easily become negative self-talk generalising specific issues into a larger whole, convincing ourselves that we are this, or that. Labelling ourselves putting us down, limiting us.
We are generally very poor at being kind to ourselves (myself included at times). We are often overly-critical of ourselves. If we make a mistake, even a small one, especially when we are doing something important to us we likely call ourselves stupid and ‘not up to the job’. Sometimes it is so traumatising for us we will never even attempt that thing again.
However, if you chatted to a friend about the issue, nine times out ten they will likely tell you to go easy on yourself and give yourself a break. They will help you see that, maybe, something that affected you was slightly out of your control. That reaching for something higher or better is a GOOD thing and hey, next time my friend! They will show you all your fantastic personal points. They may be able to show you that you did lots of things right - great preparation, clear notes, past successes - that’s right, show you the EVIDENCE. Friends can be great that way.
They can see how hard you work.
They can see how kind you are, thoughtful, compassionate.
They can see you care.
However, apply the same rule to yourself and it very often is a totally different story.
And the funny thing is that you can let negative thoughts go. It is a skill you can learn over a time and with practice. Some people you know will seem to do that ‘naturally’, although it is actually a skill they have picked up somewhere along the line through chance, or adversity, or role models. Some develop it out of necessity due to life-changing events that could have destroyed their chances of happiness- they CHOOSE to not let unhelpful thoughts take over their lives.
Thoughts, you see, are completely malleable. You can choose to listen to turn off that negative voice, or simply acknowledge it and move on (some recommend completely ignoring them - personally I think it is better to acknowledge they exist BUT retain the control over them - just let them go, as it were).
For what are thoughts? Could Bill and Ted be right? “Dust in the wind dude?” (OK not an entirely accurate quote but when did that ever stop anyone these days?)
Well, really they are…. nothing.
They are just interpretations of information we have swirling around our head, oftentimes for far too long, gestating. Yet they have such power over us. They inform our feelings for good and bad, which informs what we do and our experiences in life, our relationships, who we are at this moment in time.
So take control of them. Recognise that they are not real. If you are overly self-critical and want to change the way you react to your thoughts, make sure your self talk is more kind and actually helpful to you.
Look at the evidence.
Ask yourself whether your reaction to your thoughts is helpful, or not.
What advice would those you love give you?
Do this regularly and you will quickly see how you can rationalise thoughts and make them useful, points of learning rather than points of punishment.
Then you can change the way you react to your thoughts. You will be able to acknowledge them for what they are.
This week’s top tip -
head over to my podcasts
listen to podcast 4 ‘Letting thoughts go’.
then repeatedly listen, so you can practice letting thoughts go regularly every day and pick up a new/improved skill
30th November 2020
As Ned Stark would say - “Winter is coming”.
Now, take a moment to think. When you read that - how did it make you feel?
There is a possibility that it had no effect on you, that you just saw them as words on a page. Maybe you read it fleetingly, maybe you have never seen nor heard much about Game of Thrones (where have you been?) and the cultural reference meant nothing to you. More likely, though, you had more of an emotional reaction.
Maybe you felt negatively - foreboding winter, the inevitability of the cold, dark mornings and short days, the associations with battle and suffering and the coming of evil? Maybe you even heard the words in Sean Bean’s deep, slightly tired sounding voice. Maybe it is dark and foggy outside when you read it, maybe the weekend was a bit grey and there was not much to do? Or the matter of living in the middle of a pandemic.
Or you might have had a more positive reaction? Winter, a time for fun in the snow, crisp cold air and bright sunny mornings snapping life into your bones, the coming of holidays over Christmas? Ned Stark - dependable, reliable, honourable, a defender of the common people. Game of Thrones, exciting television. Maybe where you are it is sunnier and brighter or even hot and hopeful?
Whatever your reaction and circumstances it is important to remember that the statement is just a series of words.
Nothing has actually happened.
Yet your mood was affected by it in some way. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all governed by the way we think about the everyday events that happen in our life. The way we react to words, people and events affects the way we feel and the actions we take whether it be for 5 seconds, 5 minutes or the whole day. We can probably all name at least one person who seems always to be happy or upbeat, who seems to ride issues effortlessly. We can all probably name another who is the opposite. The question is - who would you rather be?
“I think therefore I am”.
Or should it be “I am what I think?”
The great thing is that we choose our attitude and we can choose the way in which we view the world. This takes persistent work on our mindset - we will obviously have ups and down because, well, life, but we can choose how we tackle problems and we can choose the direction of travel we take. This is rather a wonderful and incredibly empowering thing to know. We can choose to think positively and be happy. We can choose to look on the bright side of things and be hopeful. We can choose to frame the world positively.
This is quite a power that we all have within us.
Studies also show how crucial a positive mindset is to us. Research from King’s College London showed how positivity reduces anxiety. Research shows that in business having a positive mindset helps us in nearly every level in our work - productivity, engagement, creativity and happiness. It may even help us live longer - research from Stanford University revealed how a positive perception of our health levels can elongate our lifespan over a negative perception, even if the amount of exercise done is the same. Other recent research in neuroplasticity shows that as you rewire your habits positively, you rewire your brain.
Clearly the most helpful way in life is to view things through a prism of positivity.
Being positive isn’t just ‘wishful thinking’ - it really does have an impact on your health and your happiness. Taking time to actively work on your mindset is one of the most important things you can do.
This weeks' top tip -
challenge negativity and any core beliefs or values that support it
take action - cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy, mindfulness, meditation, writing strength diaries, practice gratitude and much more
23rd November 2020
The enemy is inaction.
How many times have we said we cannot do something, without even trying to do it? Put something off (often time and again) because of a perceived fear or worry about it? How many times have you given up on a difficult problem to go and have a cup of tea and ‘come back to it later’, without doing so? And where has this gotten you?
I thought so.
Don’t get me wrong, I am as guilty of doing this as anybody at times. Writing these blogs for instance - I delayed writing the first for 2 weeks once I had decided to do them.
Will they be any good?
What will people think of me?
WIll they make sense?
Will I be laughed at?
What is my voice?
Will I find my voice?
What if I have no voice?
But, but…...aaargghhhh!!!!
Oftentimes I have avoided doing something because I have felt I am not worthy, or not capable, or felt I lacked the knowledge, or might be laughed at. I have a pretty thick skin. I am highly resilient. I am game for a laugh and happy to make a fool of myself.
But NO-ONE is impermeable to doubt or limiting beliefs.
Limiting beliefs are the lies and negative stories we tell ourselves that fool us into believing we cannot do something. “I could never do that”. “I am not worthy of love”. “I don’t deserve success”. “I am not as good as others at that”. The list goes on.
They are negative, pernicious and sabotage our progress and happiness. They negatively affect our self esteem and our confidence. They limit our opportunities in life. They take away fun times. They limit our chances to connect with people, opportunities and adventures.
But they are just beliefs.
They are just thoughts.
They are not real.
They can be changed.
And that is why you should just take action anyway.
I am not going to bore you with stereotypical stories of how famous others overcame hardship to reach greatness or success. You will have heard them a million times before in other blogs and in school assemblies and at work and on the web. They are valid and you can learn and be inspired by them. But they are not YOUR story, and YOU is what we are trying to challenge.
So let’s briefly look at what causes inaction, and what we can do about it.
What makes us fearful about trying something, or procrastinate? The truth is that we do not really know! However Piers Steel’s meta-analysis of research in this area revealed the main factors were -
Lack of confidence in our ability to succeed in the task
Boredom/lack of enjoyment of a task
Distractions
Time - the longer you have to complete a task - the more you will procrastinate
Do any of these resonate for you? For me, certainly number 1 and number 4.
More importantly, what can you do about it?
Firstly, challenge your limiting beliefs. Simple as that. Just do it. What is the belief? What is the EVIDENCE that it is true? Understand that your thoughts are not the truth, that negative thoughts can become positive ones. That they, and you, can change. Speak to someone. Embrace a new narrative about yourself.
Secondly, build the habit of learning. Build your self-esteem and resilience by expanding your skill set. Learn new things. Build your knowledge. Try new stuff. Enjoy the extra power it gives you!
Finally, take action. Do it whether you think it is going to be good, bad, indifferent or amazing -
Accept you can fail as well as succeed - and do it anyway
Accept perfect does not exist - and do it anyway
Accept you can learn and get better - and do it anyway
16th November 2020
It is OK not to be OK.
If you are struggling with life and our crazy world, then you are not alone. And let’s face it, it is hardly surprising is it? Covid restrictions and isolation. Job and education insecurity. Exams taking/not taking place. Money and health worries. The impact of Brexit negotiations. A constant bombardment of negative and contradictory media and social media messaging. The pressure to conform and look, live, feel or even think a certain way has never been greater - and separating the fact from the fiction or ‘alternative facts’ (edit: lies) has never been harder. In whom and what do you believe (in?).
Believe me when I say we ALL struggle to make sense of it all and keep ourselves mentally balanced and lead happy and fulfilling lives.
It is OK not to be OK.
You are not alone.
And EVEN BETTER - it really doesn’t have to be this way.
It is important to understand that the way we THINK about ourselves and events determines our subsequent BEHAVIOURS and yes, our HAPPINESS. Think about it - given the some negative feedback about a report at work or an essay at school we will all interpret it in different ways - one will relish it as a challenge to improve, another will see it as a personal attack and get upset and another will think they are not good enough and just give up. Same feedback - 3 different reactions and 3 different ways their subsequent behaviours will inform their future progress. Or lack of it.
The good news? Is that change and self-improvement doesn’t have to be painful, all encompassing or something to be feared - change doesn’t even have to be large. Small, incremental changes applied consistently over time will make a huge and positive difference to your life. Change is constructive, exciting, fun - and very healthy. Embrace change and challenge and you will embrace self improvement, self worth and happiness. Positivity can even help you live longer, as found in this 2019 study.
The even better news? WE CAN ALL DO THIS. Some will find it harder than others at first, and this is OK - a positive mindset is something we can all learn to develop and I cover this in my “5 Minute Mindset” podcasts. With some knowledge, support from each other and a willingness to improve our mindset and daily habits, applied consistently over time, we can all be happier - I know, I have done it !
This week’s top tip is simple -
if you are feeling down/stressed/unhappy, tell someone you trust about it
share the issue, get it out of your head, get another perspective about it
if necessary, seek professional help - if you broke your leg you would go to a doctor so if you your mental health was struggling, why would you not seek help?